


Remedy for the Damned

by disillusionsanddaydreams



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, Fix-It, Light Angst, M/M, Yotsuba Arc (Death Note), a ridiculous amount of religious imagery / symbolism, lawlight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27222196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disillusionsanddaydreams/pseuds/disillusionsanddaydreams
Summary: It starts with a letter, bold and gothic and beautifully sickening on Light’s TV screen. It’s paralyzing in the way that only loss can be. Because Gods don’t lose. Loss is a human vice, and Light hates feeling human.They touch. L thinks that, as far as heresy goes, it really isn't all that bad.He knows it will all crash around them eventually. Perhaps then L can be nailed and burned as heretics often are. Perhaps Light will burn with him.Maybe, falling will be victory.
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 13
Kudos: 94





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A death note fanfic in 2020? You fucking bet.  
> I was stressed and overwhelmed with school work so instead of doing said work I sat down and wrote a self-indulgent lawlight fic at 1 in the morning. Quite stupid of me, really. Anyways, hope you enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!! I've been wanting to write a fic with more than one chapter, so that's what I'm doing! Lol.
> 
> So yea!! This will probably be slow updating, because I have a literal constant stream of work, and I'm working on college applications. 
> 
> Read my author's note at the bottom as well because I am a rambler and I have so many thoughts.

It starts with a letter, bold and gothic and beautifully sickening on Light’s TV screen.

It’s paralyzing, striking in the way that only loss can be. Because Light is the Messiah, cut from God’s cloth. Because Light is justice; flaming and blinding and unstoppable. Because Gods don’t lose, can’t lose. Loss is a human vice. Light hates feeling human.

But the letter remains, brazen and heavy against the stark white of the screen. Its voice is lilting in its monotone, and suddenly Light is falling falling falling falling. Into the letter, into its voice, into its game and suddenly-

Light is drowning. Temples throbbing with the challenge, blood flowing with unbridled fury. And he can’t feel this way, because Gods don’t feel. Feeling is a human vice. But this letter is special, and no one has ever been able to match him like this- to challenge God and succeed.

And he’s angry, of course. Brutally, callously angry. But, under the harsh whisper of _kill kill kill kill him L I want you- dead L equal L L L L die how dare you L L kill kill- dead -_

There’s a thrill singing through his veins. It’s masked by the anger, but it’s there all the same. It’s a rush of excitement so pretty and all-consuming that the smile splits his skin unconsciously. Lind L. Taylor’s useless name lays sprawled on the desk beside him. And his morals are crumbling just a bit, but frankly he’s glad it wasn’t that easy. Because he’s been bored, so, so grotesquely bored. And even writing names can get boring-

But now his veins are on fire in a way that not even the death note could precipitate. Because he’s excited, murderous, and righteous all at once. He slams his fists on the table and proclaims said righteousness to the shinigami beside him and thinks _this is going to be so much fun._

It comes to where he can only think of one name- no, one letter. His thoughts are a swirling hurricane of _kill L how to kill L how to L get closer need to I need L to get closer to Kill L L L L._

The letter burns itself into the layers of Light’s retina and he vows to rip it to pieces. Light is God, Light is justice. Light will destroy.

…

Light doesn’t know when it becomes less about justice and more about winning, about L. He knows it’s happening - the little switch. But of course, it's only natural in the face of a mortal enemy. It'll be about justice again when he defeats L. That’s what he tells himself, anyway.

And so, he unrepentantly murders 12 innocent FBI agents.

And really, there’s no reason to kill them. Raye couldn’t have conceivably had anything on him, and he only kills the rest because killing solely Raye would obviously be suspicious. But they were in his way, in his way, in his way. And that is a crime that’s irredeemable, unforgivable-

Still, Light can feel another bit of his humanity chipping off - gutted and weeping, shriveling to dust on his hardwood floor. Some small part of him is begging to be made heard. But Light is drowning, has been drowning for a while. And all he knows is the harsh cackle from a gruesomely scathed mouth, the thick current of the blood on his hands, and the dark challenge of a letter. It’s alright, though. Light doesn’t want to be human.

Really, he doesn’t kill the agents because they’re in his way. He kills them for L- to spite L, to get closer to L, always L. He is sure L must know this, must know the FBI’s blood is indirectly on his hands. He wants, needs L to know this.

He kills them just to show L that he can.

L, do you know? Shinigami love-

Naomi Misora is tall and unforgiving in her intelligence, and Light kills her with silver dripping from his tongue.

Part of him wishes it wasn’t so easy, part of him wishes he could feel something other than victory. He has always felt so above. Ironically, he thinks that killing connects him to humanity, in a way. Maybe it’s the only thing that can.

Naomi’s eyes choke with fear; the lines of her face read betrayal. Light smiles, that poisonous smile, and sends her to her death.

…

Day by day he’s more Kira than Light and more God than boy.

When he got the death note he was terrified. Even more so when the first criminal died. Because he wasn’t supposed to die. It was supposed to be a joke, an elaborate prank.

It wasn’t.

He wanted to throw the notebook away, wanted to burn it. He didn’t want that power, no one should have that power. Power so absolute and corrupting, power so awful and beautiful.

But Light thought his soul was gone after that first murder, thought it would be sheathed and stolen from him just for using the notebook. And if his soul was gone, he thought he should do as much as he could in the little time he had.

He scoured the world for the worst criminals, because he wouldn’t kill small ones, and wouldn’t kill innocents. And because he didn’t know how much time he had. He told himself it was the right thing, told himself it had to be the right thing. Because Light was perfect, Light always did the right thing. But still- rapists, murderers, human traffickers- they were people.

Light slept little and puked often- it all weighed heavy on his small shoulders. At night the shadows wrapped their long fingers around his neck and squeezed, and he couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe-

Every night he woke up gasping.

His body was raw and fresh; it felt foreign to him in a way he couldn’t describe. Food was wholly unappetizing, and his back was rough and achy. The number on the scale was shocking; ten pounds was a lot to lose in less than five days.

And then Ryuk came, a laudable sea swirling at his feet. And the ideas shot through Light’s head in a righteous whirlwind. Because there was no consequence for using the notebook, there was no consequence.

_No consequence. There is no- I can keep doing this and doing this and-_

_but this is wrong to- not wrong not wrong- should stop already killed the worst-_

_if I stopped that would make me a murderer- would make it wrong would- can’t stop the world needs-_

_no consequence the world needs world world world the world- should be cleansed should be-_

_should be judged. judged. judgement. and judgement is- wrong- no- this is- clean make it clean make it all clean and- it will be perfect and judge them and- what gives me the right? no consequence-_

_I am a good person- no consequence can keep doing this- judgement divine divine judgement- murder isn’t murder if it’s divine and I am- judgement no consequence I am- divine- I am-_

_I am God._

It snuck up on him quietly. Cruel and unrelenting and the best feeling he could ever remember feeling. Triumph and godhood soaring on his skin in feather-like piety, wings almost tangible on his pristine back.

And so the boy became God.

And the other God, the one known only as a letter, challenged him. A war waged in Eden; blood on Heaven’s marble floors.

The game began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is lots of Light!! It's so interesting to get into his mind. If you were wondering, Light actually does consider giving up the death note (in the cannon manga). He has nightmares, loses sleep, and loses a shit ton of weight. He is very impacted by what he's doing, and the development of his god complex is relatively slow. Ryuk is a massive catalyst for this development. But Light actually struggles a lot at first. 
> 
> They took all of this out of the anime. I would assume it was for the sake of time, but I also think that the anime rlly wanted to portray Light as just a sociopathic teen with a god complex. It takes away a lot of his complexity, really. It also takes away a lot of what made death note so gut-wrenching. Light was wholly corrupted by the death note and the power that came with it. His life as Light was practically destroyed. The fact that he despised Kira (during Yotsuba, without his memories) just makes it all the more upsetting. 
> 
> I think that there's a sort of disconnect. I think that Light is Kira, but Kira isn't Light. Does that make sense? idk, I ramble a lot (because I am literally obsessed with death note lol).
> 
> The writing in this chapter is non-linear, btw. It's a concept I'll probably keep playing with, unless you guys think it's confusing.
> 
> Hope you liked this chapter!! <3 I will try to write more soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments and kudos give me life 🥺 . Hope you guys are having a good week so far. :)
> 
> I rambled again in my end notes

The light of the TV screen drowns L’s face, casting shadows on the concave hollows of his cheeks and their protruding bones. He is pale and quiet before the monitors; he reflects as the moon would.

The boy before him is not named Moon, though the kanji for his first name would suggest otherwise. L wonders, absentmindedly, if the boy parallels the title. The moon’s light is fake - an artificial reflection, courtesy of the sun. Yet, it’s light all the same.

Light enters his home exactly the way he should, with just the right mix of exasperation and contentment. He looks at the magazine with calculated exasperation, exactly the way he needs to.

Soichiro splutters next to L, his words a litany of excuses, laced with shame. Surely looking at this type of media is not atypical? L wonders, is it a cultural thing, or a Soichiro Yagami thing?

L does not have time for these considerations, however, because he is far too engrossed by the boy in front of him. It is strange that Light just looks at the magazine. Is it not commonplace to...? Is he not going to get off? Perhaps, Light is aware of the cameras.

L doesn’t know how he knows, but he knows. Light remarks on the idiocy of the TV announcement, and L _knows._ His thumb finds his teeth and his unconscious, sly smile melts around it.

“Your son is very smart,” escapes his mouth without preamble, before he can really think. And he can’t hear Soichiro’s response, because he’s engulfed in the harsh light of the monitor, of Light himself.

Placing surveillance in peoples’ homes is highly illegal. Then again, L has never been overtly concerned with legality; especially not now, not with this. He will do whatever it takes, he assures himself, because the coagulated mass of his brain screams _kira kira kira_ constantly, and the prospect of victory rests heavy on his bristled shoulders.

His veins are thrush with anticipation, a fire in his arteries that burns so painfully it’s almost wonderful. No one has ever directly challenged him like this, not in any way that matters. No one has mocked him, teasing with messages of death gods and apples and the lives of thousands.

And the boy on the screen is unflinching; unsparing in the small lilt of his smirk, the sharp jut of his jaw, the callous confidence of his movements. And L _knows,_ knows with a resolution stronger than ever before. The world is reverent and merciless at his feet. L looks at Light with the sharp tang of justice on his tongue, and L vows to destroy.

…

Months and months later, with a chain looped around his frail wrist and a torrent of uncertainty in the pits of his eyes, L wonders what destruction truly means.

…

Light prepares for the opening ceremony in the polished, perfect way he knows how to.His life is a series of falsities, a forged palace of ornate and grandiose lies.

His mask melts perfectly into his skin, morphing around the sharp amber of his eyes. His mask is one that’s cunning and merciless, one that has taken years and years to mold. He’s heard the whispers, heard the congealed swirl that’s followed him his whole life. Everyone thinks it, everyone says it. Because really, there’s no denying it. Light Yagami is perfect.

No one has ever seen through him, and no one ever will. He’s crafted it that way, though he can’t help but feel bereft from the boredom. But the thought of being seen, of being understood, has become a childish notion. He has bigger things to hide now, and a crack in his mask could mean death.

So, Light prepares for the ceremony in the only way he knows how. He lays his hair perfectly, adorns his suit, and gives his parents a dazzling smile. His parents won’t come, they never do. Soichiro will be working late, anyways. Light’s smile is all charm and perfect white teeth. It doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

…

The To-Oh opening ceremony is a slew of disgust and admiration both. Light’s fists clench and L’s thumb tears and the world, gentle as the Red Sea, splits in two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I like writing Light? I kin him, lol. And before you ask, yes I am in therapy. No I am not fine. HAHHDBFHFK
> 
> I think it's very telling that L is just as obsessed with Light as Light is with him. Honestly, it's telling that Light is even obsessed with L at all, since Light rarely displays an attentiveness for other people. To me, this mutual obsession is one of the MANY things that makes lawlight better than any of the other ships in death note. Throughout the entirety of the series, L is the only person capable of grasping Light's attention to the point of obsession, and subsequently holding on to this attention. L incites emotions in Light that not a single other character in the series can. It's obvious that their emotional bond is stronger than the bond between any other characters in the show. This bond can manifest as hatred or love or both, but either way it's still obviously the strongest bond either L or Light will ever form.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter used to be the prologue for this fic. It is now the ending chapter. tbh i think it works.

It's transient, fleeting - as most things are. And of course L knows this; L knows most everything. But there's a storm on his skin, tantalizing in its brevity. And he would fight against it fervently, if he cared much to fight it at all.

They touch. And it's grotesque and lovely and horrifying and beautiful. And L thinks that, as far as heresy goes, this really isn't all that bad.

He knows it will all crash around them eventually. He knows Yotsuba must be a ploy. He knows Light must have planned for this; it will be back - the calculating eyes and cold mask and the veiled dereliction. Perhaps then L can be nailed and burned as heretics often are. Perhaps Light will burn with him.

He knows it's giddy and foolish and reckless in its poignancy. But there's a storm on his skin. Churning hot in the wake of Light's fingertips, a torrent in the brush of his lips. And its alarming, terrifying - but calming, too. And they press skin on skin and mind against mind each day and L is utterly lost in the deluge.

He's never entertained such a worthy opponent.

...

In the helicopter, Light drowns.

The power floods his arteries; gilded and all-encompassing. Perceived innocence joins his gutted entrails - weeping quietly on the floor. Light pays it no heed. He is God, he is Justice, he will win, he will-

L.

Shit.

L is staring at him, wide-eyed and vacant. And as a comfort, Light thinks maybe he'll rip those eyes from their sockets. Claw his throat out, hold him gently as blood litters the floor. Destroy him, make fear choke his barren eyes, make him broken and bloody and begging and-

He also wants to kiss his eyelids.

He wants to hold him softly and touch him and whisper and-

And well, that's quite an issue, isn't it.

He has to kill L.

He will kill L. Wants to kill L. Wants to hold him as he dies.

He's never entertained such an equal.

...

Time stretches on. Light thinks that really, blasphemy is quite beautiful in L's eyes. And it's hard to decide which is more beautiful, that or his brave new world.

L waits for his death. It's almost enticing, even laughable in its irony. He could have Light executed now if he wanted to. He could.

Light should kill L right now; as soon as possible, as soon as he can. He really should. He should.

...

Kira and L slip away into the thin, cold air one night. And really, it's only ever been about them, hasn't it?

The brave new world crumbles patiently while they leave. They'll come back and visit, probably. Maybe. They are above, they are better - so does it really matter?

Light wonders what it says about him, that he only feels like a true God with another God at his side. Perhaps this is winning.

L thinks that no angel has ever fallen so beautifully.

He's right.


	4. Author Note

1/20/21 Update:

Hey guys! So I am going to end this fic at those last three chapters. I made what was originally the prologue for this the ending chapter, and I think it fits fine. 

I originally wanted to make this a very long, multi-chapter fic. Last month however I entered a major depressive episode. I was extremely unmotivated with everything, and could not sit down to write to save my life, even though I really wanted to. I had to take a lot of time for my mental health and stability. :/

I am feeling better now; still a little depressed, but I can get up and out of my bed at least lol. However, I am not going to continue this because I am not really into Death Note so much anymore. I had a half a year hyperfixation with it, so I think it ran its proper course in my life. 

Also, I am SOOOO obsessed with Devilman Crybaby right now, so I really cannot think about anything else. Like I am way way way hyperfixated on it. If you haven't seen it I HIGHLY recommend. It's on Netflix. TW for gore and lots of sex. But definitely one of the best anime I've ever seen. 

So yea, I just wanted to explain myself because it makes the little burnt out gifted kid inside of me upset when I abandon projects. I hope the people that enjoyed this can understand.

<3

P.S. I will probably write devilman / devilman crybaby fic. i'll prob start whenever my next manic episode hits (i feel it coming). so if u like my writing u can look for that LOL


End file.
